Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
