so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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