I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
