I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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