gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you win again, gameday.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
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And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I would ride that face into the sunset
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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