Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
