the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
