I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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