Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
