You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
