Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
