i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
