Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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