You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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