did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
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He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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