She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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