the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
