im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
