i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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