Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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