dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
