All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
