I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
