Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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