Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
