Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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