I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
