Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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