I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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