So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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