you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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