she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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