Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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