tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you win again, gameday.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
