He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
