I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
