There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
