He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
