There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
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There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
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I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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