I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
