Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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