"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
