We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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