Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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