I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
