i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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