Please, let me fuck your mom
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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