is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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