god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
