Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize