fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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