Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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