there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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