I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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