It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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