Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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