he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
