Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
