I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
