rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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